My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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