did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We got so high we made milksteak
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize