How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
