Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
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And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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