I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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