I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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