go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
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Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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