If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I will pee on everything he values.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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