Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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