So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
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The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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