You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
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Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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