When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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