I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
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She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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