someone threw a dead crab at me
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
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you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
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There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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