just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You can't special order awesome
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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