I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize