I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
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Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
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I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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