dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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