A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
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Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
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LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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