I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize