My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize