I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
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Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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