The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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