awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
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I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
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I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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