We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's always time for handjobs
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We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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