I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
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I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
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The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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