just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's rum buckets o'clock
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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