i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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