when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
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Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
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I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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