Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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