decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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