she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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