For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
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Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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