Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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