remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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