physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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