Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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