There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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