haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
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The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
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Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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