it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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