I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
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Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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