Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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