How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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