Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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