you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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