Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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