Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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