I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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