I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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