Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
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there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
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DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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