Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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